Megan side-eyes all the things

London Calling: yes, I was there too. You know what they said? Well, some of it was true.

Nine years ago, at the 2005 Worldcon in Glasgow, flick - who I had only met that weekend for the first time - gave me a slightly aghast look and said, "what do you mean you've never even heard of LiveJournal?" We weren't always carting around three different little magically internet-connected devices then (the first person I knew who got anything on a network a bit like the 3G we all now use was drplokta a year or so later, and back then we all teased him a bit for his dedication being as such that he now had the internet in his pocket at all times) and so she dragged me bodily over to one of the laptops set up in the fan lounge and opened this very account.

I was sixteen years old and that weekend changed my life forever. From there I was taken to goth clubs, introduced to people who were bisexual and polyamourous and who liked the same music as I liked and read the same books as I read. The first fanzine article I ever wrote was published in the fanzine that had won the Hugo that year; I was pleased with this in the way that only a sixteen year old trying very hard to be impressive can be. Nearly everyone I now count as a friend is someone I met because of a chain of events that started at that convention; the vast majority of all the people I've slept with or dated, the two close friends I've been living with for the past two years, practically everyone I know. I was in my late teens, looking for a life to be launched into, and the one I ended up shooting towards has been shaped by where it started in a thousand different ways.

I sort-of left fandom for a bit a few years ago. It was never supposed to be permanent, but it was a time when I needed to take a step back - I'd joined a roleplaying group whose own events pretty much ate the money I'd have spent on going to conventions, for long and complicated reasons I was concerned that a couple of people I liked very much indeed didn't want me around and I hated the idea of causing awkwardness, once you're out of the habit of doing something it gets easier and easier to stay away and harder and harder to go back, that sort of thing. There was never any question, however, that Dad and I would go to the London Worldcon. They were having a Worldcon in London, for god's sake: why wouldn't we be there?

Of course, the truth of it is that there is at least one reason we wouldn't be there, and as a result of that very thing one of us wasn't. We none of us expected my father to go as soon as he did, and while I briefly wondered when he bought my membership if he might not be too ill to enjoy it properly it hadn't occurred to me in the least that he might have been dead for three months by the time the convention started.

This has been a strange weekend: simultaneously energising of spirit and knackering of body, filled with friends both old and new yet often remarkably lonely, an event that has made me feel like I've come back home but also one that made it clear to me I really have been away longer than I maybe should have gone. I've never been any good at actually writing proper conreps - I think the only one I ever did properly was the one that was printed in Plokta a decade ago - so in lieu of something that I'm still pretending to myself I might actually sit down and write later, have a series of bullet points.

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Megan side-eyes all the things

Alright, let's get this cleared up once and for all

As some of you will know, really quite some time ago now ago I volunteered to run a one-day event in London. I was going to call it Teledeux and it died in the water very fast, due to illness and, yes, incompetence on my part. I was utterly, utterly rubbish about keeping people informed, and have apologised to some of those concerned since - but not enough of you, and not publicly. So, here you go:

I am very very sorry. I fucked up. I know why and how I fucked up, and how to avoid repeating this in the future. I would be very grateful if you could all forgive me, and I promise I won't do anything like it again :-)